Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
