your parents love me but you hate me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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