Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
