How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
