drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
