Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
