just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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