I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
