hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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