We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
