i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
