Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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