Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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