In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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