Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dignity is for republicans.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
