next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
