WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
