You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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