I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
