with your own penis?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
