I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
