My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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