Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
