my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
