Need sex. Gaining weight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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