i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
