i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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