I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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