on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
