i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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