so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
