Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
