I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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