Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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