Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
