i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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