fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
