i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize