The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
