you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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