True but thats because hes a fetus.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
