i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize