You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
