the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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