is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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