i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
