Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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