I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize