he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
