Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
