Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
