i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
And then my night got REAL pukey
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
