My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
