Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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