I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
