Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
