No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
