Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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